This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
