people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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