Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
