I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
don't judge my taste in strippers
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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