You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
