I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
