I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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