I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
