We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
