Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
