I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
