Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
