note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
