i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
