you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
