im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
