Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
