the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
