You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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