We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
