Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
