my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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