capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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