I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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