remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
