I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
