Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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