I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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