I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
