how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
