You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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