I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
