I wanna passion pit in your ass
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
