yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It's just like the Real World with babies
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
