I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
