Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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