That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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