His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
