Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I need help removing her.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
