I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I am one with the molecules
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
