I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We got so high we made milksteak
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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