he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
