I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
