she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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