best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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