Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
