This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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