You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
