Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
