I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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