Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
